| its way too bad, now you're worse than sad |
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| 08:13am 09/10/2006 |
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mood:  crushed music: one man army
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Sometimes life can be really cruel and unfair and sometimes it seems like maybe you can't keep going. I think suicide is on more peoples minds these days than people admit. I think suicide is bullshit just to get things clear. So with that option gone, the only thing left to do is to keep pushing through. Even when it feels like your pushing yourself with 1000s of pounds of horseshit that people are dumping on you from all directions, you hold your nose and push.
I'm not gonna use this site as a way to show off all my problems like I used to do so long ago for the reason that I think alot of you would be horrified and maybe even think im full of shit. I will say this, EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that could go wrong did all in the span of weeks. In these couple weeks everything was lost and my world was completely turned upsidedown. Hopes and dreams and goals no longer a thought becasue im too busy crawling outta the mariannas trench.
Then just like in Pandoras box, there's always hope. In my case hope and faith that God would somehow show up at the last minute and help me out. But we made plans to meet and he never showed, he kept me waiting. And then outta no where he picked me up off my feet and dusted me off and showed me whats next. You wouldnt even believe me if i told you.
And now i feel almost reborn. Kinda like a pheonix. Like i burst into flames and turned into ash. But through all the pain and destruction and chaos from the last couple years, im reborn.
I got no cash, got no girls, but got the world in my hands
I dont care if you care |
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(useless knowledge) |
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| ive got an army of skeletons, to keep your demons away |
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| 01:31pm 03/03/2006 |
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mood:  drained music: Dead Kennedys - Police Truck
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well its been a very very long time since i even set eyes on this evil website of my collected sad and angry feelings. In all honesty, livejournal scares me because I let my darkest feelings on this page and its hard to realize some of the things that it helps me come to terms with. I feel right now i need it, so here it goes one more time....
Well I never moved to orlando, a decision that Im still not sure was right. I miss my friends like hell and hopefully some of them will move back. On the bright side ive become close with some other kids and its been really awesome getting to know them better. Jarret has become my best friend and though he will never take Bens place, its awesome to have someone who understands me almost as much as Ben did. We have alot in common and share alot of the same ideas and its been a breath of fresh air havin him around. Ive been chillin with wayne brush alot too, who is still the craziest kid I have ever met. Me him and jarret work together at UPS were i gotta get up at 2 and leave work at around 3AM. Its a pretty badass job mostly because it pays more than any job ive had before, and i get to be part of the union which provides me with protection and benefits. Most people there are working to make a career out of it which is easily done, but i feel like i have more potential than a life of boxes for the rest of my life.
One thing that ive been very worried about lately is my parents decided to lay on me suddenly my eviction notice. I have until summer to save up for a car, find a roomate and have the money to move out. Needless to say, I have negative houdreds of dollars saved up so im pretty excited around that. Im trying not to sweat it and give it to God for once in my life like i know that I should do more often. Religion and my own mortality has been subject matter that is constantly running through my busy mind.
Im going back to college next fall, i have an unbelieveable hunger to learn and better myself and Im actually excited to go to school for the first time since elementry school.
Im almost done with my demo, which has takin a lifetime to record. Its turning out very well and im soooo fricken excited about it. Wayne Massey is producing us, so we are basicly using cheat codes. Hopefully it will be good enough to get on his record label and we can take off from there.
Well thats about all i can think of right now. Nothing much in the love department, i simply just dont have the energy to deal with another girl these days. I fell for one girl since Amber and it caused alot of drama and pain. But i dont regret it in the least bit because I learned what seems to be a lifetime of lessons from it and i still care for this girl very much. Dont get that mixed up with the feeling of lasting suffering and endless sleepless nights that usually come with me and a girl splitting (not breaking up since i never seem to actually officially date them) No time and energy for emo shit anymore.
Thats it, LATE |
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(7 idiots | useless knowledge) |
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| Its the comedy and tragedy that keeps me hanging on |
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| 12:41am 08/04/2005 |
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mood:  Song music: The Falcon - look ma, no fans or Do you want fries with that
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I'm really thinking about moving to orlando with my friends and just leaving this stuff behind. I really need something new, this town is dragging me down and im bored as hell. The only thing is if i do leave, i give up my dreams and go against everything i believed and stood up for. Its a big decision. |
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(6 idiots | useless knowledge) |
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| 02:08am 31/03/2005 |
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mood: bored music: Alkaline Trio - number 2 on the new cd
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I want a captain N belt
I want to finish our damn CD
I wanna write songs as good as Billie Joe does
I want the fall of capitalism to come |
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(useless knowledge) |
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| 09:12pm 24/03/2005 |
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mood:  amused music: Youth Brigade - sick
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I hate having a car. You might think that sounds crazy becasue i know how much people obsess over having them and how everyone thinks its so cool, but i hate it. Too much responsibility goes with having one. My tires are all screwed up so i gotta buy new ones. 600 frickin dollars. I hate getting gas. I also hate driving with a bunch of slow assholes on the road. (watch old people drive for further details)
so many things i hate right now, lets take a look....
1. Old people in the mornings at don carters. While im busy in the back, they will sit thier and bang thier quarters against the counter until i come a give them thier damn hot tea or grilled cheese. God forbide they run out of free coffee or doughnuts...but i guess its really all they have in life.
theres alot more stuff, but i dont feel like saying them all, livejournal would explode.
A bunch of stuff happened this morning that i dont feel like typing out and somehow i got to have Eric Hocs car for the day. Some of you know it as the Hoc mobile. I got to drive around watching dvds and listening to satalite radio. I decided im gonna get the radio thing, its sooooo awesome. Its only 20 bucks a month, and its like 50 bucks if you get the cheap one. Im only buying it becasue they have a punk radio station that plays the best music ever. Today alone i heard The Falcon, GBH, Rancid, Youth Brigade and some new RBF which sounded awesome. Its a bad ass way to find new bands to listen to.
I like Girls again. (but i never liked boys, dont get wierded out you homophobe, that means you eric gellerman) |
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(4 idiots | useless knowledge) |
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| I hope this is goodbye |
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| 06:35pm 27/02/2005 |
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mood: aggravated music: The Misfits - die die my darling
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Friday night was the best show we have ever played. I had the most fun I have had in the last 2 years. Thanks for everyone for comming out, it was nice having everyone together again.
Is there something wrong with worrying about a friend? Drinking and driving is not exactly the smartest thing to do. So one of my friends doesnt exactly hold her alcohol very well and all night i was telling her "please dont drink and drive, its not a good idea" I wasnt being an asshole about it or anything. And so she flips out and is all like stop trying to be my father, and yells it so everyone can hear and makes me feel like a complete dumbass. I was honestly concerned and was just trying to look out for the person who used to be one of my best friends. After that i lost it and started yelling, and i think any person would of lost it at that point. Now i realize that its not me at all, its you who has changed. You have become a total defensive little bitch, and really no one can stand you anymore. I know people change when they start dating someone else, but this is kinda overboard. I feel bad for you and i wish you good luck with your new found personality. I hope you will stop being so fuckin stubborn and say youre sorry, and ill appoligize for yelling like i did. If not, then count me out as a friend. |
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(10 idiots | useless knowledge) |
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| 11:31pm 18/02/2005 |
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mood:  accomplished music: Youth Brigade - believe in something
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sorry for the last couple crazy entries. Major shit was going down in my life and i went temporary crazy. Things are better now and im staying sane. |
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(useless knowledge) |
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| 01:12am 05/02/2005 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Divorce? wow, i gotta move out as soon as i can, enough of this bullshit |
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(2 idiots | useless knowledge) |
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| i mine as well give it a shot |
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| 01:04am 03/02/2005 |
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mood: depressed music: Greenday - home comming
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Dear Mike,
Jimmy died today, he blew his brains out into the bay
In this state of mind, its my Own Private Suicide.
Love,
Mike
XXX Straight edge XXX |
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(1 idiot | useless knowledge) |
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| 12:43am 02/02/2005 |
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mood: annoyed music: Streetlight Manifesto (awesome band)
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I think i might off just pissed off kevin from catch 22.... all i did was askin him a simple question about streetlight...i figure since he booked thier tour, he wouldnt mind answering a stupid question about the band, but i guess i dont know the shit thats going on between them, so whatever, fuck em. and catch 22, i dont give a shit. |
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(4 idiots | useless knowledge) |
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| Tails from another broken home |
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| 01:01am 01/02/2005 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: Reel Big Fish - I hate you, fuck you leave me alone
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I went to my friends house last night, his brand new house. Things seemed so different from his other house, and i could feel a heaviness in my soul as i sat there. It felt like someone drained everything out of the house and the people who lived inside. Everything seemed so grey and dead and it made me sad. It reminded me much of my own house. Is this what i want for my future? Maybe its time for a change in my life. |
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(1 idiot | useless knowledge) |
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| Is the answer in the question, i need some more direction |
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| 04:25pm 27/01/2005 |
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mood:  scared music: mxpx - fist vs tact
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If you believe in God, keep my drummer vincents mom in your prayers. She just found out today that she has cancer, and hopefully they got it all out and didnt miss any. Shes like a second mom to me and my band, and i wouldnt know what to do with myself if she wasnt around. I have faith that God will take care of it. It was a miricle that she even found out about it. A bookself actually fell on her and hit her breast and it hit exactly where the cancer was. I guess it began to swell up and she went to the doctor, only to find out it was more than a swollen bruise. Thats a miricle if ive ever heard one, thats why i have faith. |
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(5 idiots | useless knowledge) |
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| 1-800 - whipped |
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| 01:14pm 25/01/2005 |
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mood: apathetic music: big wig - 1-800-whipped
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This song goes out to you, and dont pretend you dont know its about you, because when you read it, youll know. enjoy
I guess we should've stayed at the beach,
But it just couldn't happen.
I wish it was more within my reach
But I'll just keep on pushin',
A day in Hell done,
what else could happen to me?
I call her up to complain
And what does she do?
She falls asleep!
She falls asleep on the phone...
Another day passes,
Another day too hectic!
What do I do now?
I think she may be narcoleptic.
I call her up, I feel alone,
I'm hoping that she's home.
I'll apologize about the coffee pot,
I call her almost every night,
And every night we start to fight.
She falls asleep on the phone,
I call her up I feel alone
There's nothing to talk about
So she falls asleep on the phone.
She falls asleep! You've changed,
I've changed, We've changed,
She's changed.
She falls asleep on the phone |
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(1 idiot | useless knowledge) |
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| 01:59am 22/01/2005 |
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mood: disappointed music: Alkaline trio - Maybe ill catch fire
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At least I tried to hang out tonight, guess ive lost too many punk points for zac to let me over haha. Tonight i sat at home and watched i love the 90s and jacked off. whatever. Cept for a select few, im done with this whole fuckin place and these people. |
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(4 idiots | useless knowledge) |
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